September 2007, most fans were upset but not shocked.
In fact it was the least surprising manager's exit since Harry Redknapp pledged that Portsmouth would be his last club. Or was it Southampton?
Anyway, as several very different men have tried and failed to reach the
managerial standard required by Roman Abramovich, let's consider what
possible qualities you'll need if you want to be the (putative) boss of
Chelsea FC.
Be a mate of the owner.
This can get you quite a long way at Chelsea, even into the manager's
(sorry, head coach's) hot seat, but if you don't bring home the trophies
and the players are making offensive hand signals at you behind your
back, even Olympic level toadying and the approval of Bobby Campbell
will butter no parsnips.
Be a mate of Bobby Campbell's.
See above.
Be a World Cup winner.
Er don't think so mate, next!
Be loved by the public and press.
Having a comedy accent, putting hankies on your head and joshing with
journalists and opposition fans will earn you the moniker of gentleman
and endear you to the non-Chelsea public. But not half as much as you
losing games will, particularly crucial ones.
The latter will soon trump the appeal of the former and, post Jose, being loveable losers just isn't enough to satisfy anymore (see Big Phil).
Have an important job.
If you don't know much, the mere fact that someone is already at a top
outfit is in itself a guarantee of his suitability. Hey, Jose Schamozi
is employed by Madrid, Milan, Man United, erm.., England - he must be
good!
This is how the pursuit of Sven and Peter Kenyon is explained. Even if you've been sacked by a big club, just once being associated with them is close enough.
No matter that you were driven at speed to the exit with the sound of champagne corks popping at the training ground still in your ears (see Van Gaal, Roberto Mancini).
Be a club legend.
This one will get star-struck fans hyperventilating with excitement, but
the ecstasy will only last until you start regularly losing games. By
which time you will be an ex-club legend.
Be popular. But not too popular.
It's the billionaire who's the source of all of Chelsea's success, and
don't you let anyone forget it.
Win trophies
What, like the League Cup?
Pah, no-one cares about this in Minsk.
The FA cup?
Hmmm, a mere consolation prize.
A league title? OK for starters I suppose.
Another league title? Yawn, I want entertainment, not just trophies!
A penalty slip away from the top prize in club football?
How dare you embarrass me in front of my friends!
So to sum up, you need someone with a strong personality but who knows
his place; who'll not just win trophies, but win them in a stylish way;
someone who won't cause offence or controversy; who has the ability to
charm the media and be liked not just by your own side but by opponents
too. Someone who'll be a force for good in the world, who'll turn the
planet blue.
Well you'd better give Peter Kenyon God's number to find him, because
no-one on earth will.